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Who needs enemies when you work with cops?
Cops are many things, one of which are Pranksters.
About 2 weeks ago our unit was forced to take several people for ‘ride alongs’. This meant that someone we didn’t know was going to be riding with someone on the squad for the duration of the shift. Normally, that person doesn’t know police work and when we do some things my unit does, they start getting uncomfortable because it just isn’t normal to say… run at armed subjects.
Well, as we got to the station to pick up our respective ‘ride alongs’ the newer guys on the squad rushed there and got to choose which ones they’d be taking, leaving only two left for me and Batman to choose from.
The choice wasn’t hard because the LT told my partner to take the female and I took the remaining male.
None stop throughout the day Batman kept telling me that this chick in his car smelled funky, like old fish. Totally gross and he had to have her in the car all day because the new guys screwed us with her.
And so the pranks started.
The very next day Batman and I were riding two man and he told me to stop by a gas station really quick. He got back to the car with a can of Sardines.
Oh boy, I see war looming on the horizons.
On the very next scene we went too, Muscle and the New guy had left their vehicle unlocked. He went into their cruiser and put an entire fish from the can under Muscles seat.
Laughing like a kid he ran back to my car and we drove off, Muscle and the New guy, totally clueless.
Over the next week they started smelling something funky in the car and we’d see them spraying deodorizer all over the place. I suppose they thought they had some smelly arrestee’s because they didn’t ever bother looking for anything in their car.
At some point Muscle knew ‘something’ was up but couldn’t put his finger on it.
After leaving a restaurant a week later I heard the sounds of cans bouncing under my car. Me and Batman looked at each other with guilty faces and I stopped the car.
We looked under the carriage and didn’t see any cans.. hmm.
I drove some more and Batman told me to stop because we still heard the sounds.
This time we got out and looked all over the place.
Now, my car normally never gets washed. I’m talking, the last time I washed it, was about a year ago. The dirt keeps me stealthy at night, I tell myself.
Batman noticed that one of my hubcaps had clean streaks on it. Those bastards had taken off each hubcap and put rocks inside of them so that each time the wheel turned, the rocks would move making that sound. We start laughing so hard that traffic passing stopped to ask if we were okay.
Thats when Muscle and the New guy rolled up behind us and we could see them in tears laughing so hard inside their car.
Muscle got out and said, I don’t know what you guys did to my car but thats what you get!
Fair is Fair.
The joke was that he still had no idea exactly ‘what’ it was that we did to his car.
We all went home for the weekend and on Monday while me and Batman were upstairs writing an arrest for 240 grams of Marijuana our Sarge came up and started talking to us out of the blue.
I knew something was up. I ran downstairs to my car and saw a Cheese cake smeared all over my window. Pshh, juvenile antics at best. I opened my car door and immediately smelled raw fish.
Damn, they slimjimmed my car. I started looking everywhere and when I found what they did I got so pissed I must have turned 5 shades of red.
They took entire CANS of sardines and put them under the plastic floor covers, diced up and covering the floor of the car on both sides. It’s one thing for a joke, its another to make it entirely impossible to clean up.
I keyed my Mic and asked the dispatcher for the number to Hazmat, the people that come and clean out the cars.
The dispatcher started to ask me to call the shift commander for the number when I saw Batman run out of the station screaming, “NO!!! DASH DONT CALL HAZMAT!!!!!!!”
…
I told the dispatcher to Disregard and then I went into a rant about not cleaning that crap out of the car. Batman said he’d do it and he got most of it out. Now, the car I had to drive everywhere in smelled like fish and it wasn’t an easy fix like Muscles car. They went up and over. Payback is best served cold.
No problem, later on when we met with them they admitted to the fish caper and then Muscle told us a little story.
He said, “Man, for weeks me and Junior were smelling some sort of fish in the car and I kept spraying deodorizer but it kept coming back. I thought it was just smelly people we were arresting or something. Then, over the weekend I didn’t use the car at all and when I opened the door monday morning I almost threw up everywhere. I said to my self, screw this, and I looked all over the car. I ended up finding a rotting fish tail under my seat and I knew it was one of you fucking guys!”
Me and Batman were laughing so hard I think we almost pee’d ourselves. We couldn’t even get a response out for a minute.
Batman finally said, “Hey, remember when you made me take that female ride along that smelled nasty? Yea, I gave you a fish for making me drive around a fish.”
And with that, we all were laughing beyond hearing the radio.
The kicker is, that Batman and I were laughing because we’d already plotted out revenge. The bait and tackle store down the street said they’d sell us Chum, which is basically ground up fish guts / bones / grossness for $1.00 a gallon.
Needless to say, we’re going to pour the Chum under the entire floorboard of their car and put a big pile directly ON the floor where Muscles feet go, so he’ll think that’s the only spot and won’t figure out that we also put some in his air filter and air vents.
War means War!
Victory will be ours and we know its a dish best served Cold.
We’re planning on doing it at the very end of the week.
Who needs enemies when you work with Cops?
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